need another drink. this is the easiest way
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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