That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
