So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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