the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
