So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
