just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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