I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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