I got chris browned last night
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
