It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Can I color on your dick again?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
