My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize