You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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