I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
as a side note pls kill me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
