I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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