I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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