It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
