I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
