So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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