the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
