you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
