Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
