how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize