Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
