apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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