its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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