Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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