So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
