We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
