im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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