I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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