and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I did not marry a roomba.
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