mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will be naked everywhere
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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