I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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