My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The power of my boobs compel you
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
