you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Couch. On fire.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
