the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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