I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry about my life...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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