so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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