Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
