I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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