what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
