So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize