I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
