I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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