You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
