Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
