she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
