I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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