I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize