So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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