I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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