a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
