Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
