we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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