how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
