I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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