I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
