It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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