I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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