he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
