hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
