Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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