Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
