i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
