he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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