It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sorry my hands just texted you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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