Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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